


i wanna get better

by fiona_apiston



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, its like pretty sad throughout and less at the very end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:40:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23603230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiona_apiston/pseuds/fiona_apiston
Summary: Noel doesn't let himself believe good things could happen to him, but it's difficult to keep that up when it comes to Cody.
Relationships: Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 3
Kudos: 55





	i wanna get better

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for depression and suicidal thoughts
> 
> title and vibes from the song i wanna get better by the bleachers, listened to that on repeat the entire time i was writing this
> 
> don't show this to cody and noel, i respect them as real people, this is mostly me projecting onto noel, this doesnt reflect my actual views of them as people

Wanting to die had sort of just become what Noel thought in response to everything.

He spilled water on the floor- he wished he was dead. He missed a deadline- he thought about walking into traffic. He blurted out some mean shit he hadn’t even meant and watched Cody’s face drop because of it- he looked out from the balcony of his apartment and debated jumping, even though he had apologized and Cody had been so, *too*, nice about it.

This morning though, he looked at his phone after he woke up and realized he slept through an important meeting, he thought back to the razor blades he had under the sink, wondering idly who would find him first.

He called Cody, guilt settling in as Cody cheerfully said it was fine, they probably hadn’t been ready for the meeting, he would reschedule it in a couple weeks and it would be better for everyone.

He didn’t like thinking too much about Cody. Everything, everyone good in his life never lasted, and he just wanted to hold onto him as long as possible until he left. He didn’t want to think too hard about it, otherwise ending his life looked more and more appealing. So for now, he wanted to be selfish and have Cody to himself.

Noel was sitting at his desk, editing a video. He was nearly done, and wanted to just finish it so he could go to sleep, when a knock at the door startled him.

Cody was at the door.

“Um-” Noel didn’t know what to say, too tired to wrap his mind around this.

Cody looked confused. “Didn’t you get my text?”

“I…” Noel thought back. “Haven’t checked it in a while, I’ve been editing.”

“Oh. I asked if I could come over since the power went out at my place and I need to work on some stuff and my laptop is dead…” He trailed off.

“Oh.” Noel was so tired, and he knew if Cody came in they were both going to get barely any work done, but he couldn’t resist. He was selfish, remember?

Cody made himself at home on the sofa, getting to work, and Noel got back to editing. He managed to finish it pretty quickly, but uploading it was another story. Something was wrong, and it was refusing to upload, saying it would take hours, and he knew that wasn’t right. He tried starting over a couple times and nothing worked, and there it was, that voice in his head telling him to kill himself, just go to the bathroom, slit your wrists, bleed out, you can’t even upload a stupid youtube video in time, you don’t deserve to exist, you disappoint everyone-

Cody’s hand on his shoulder shook him out of his thoughts. “You okay?” His voice was tinged with worry, and Noel realized he was crying.

“Yeah, I’m fine, fucking video won’t upload, story of my life, right?” He said, smiling, trying to reassure Cody he was okay.

Cody didn’t seem convinced, but just said, “Maybe just try it in the morning? That sometimes happens for me and waiting or restarting my computer usually works.”

Noel nodded. “Yeah, I’ll do that.” He got up from his chair, needing to step away from the video before he broke down in front of Cody. “I’m gonna go to bed.”

He changed clothes, brushed his teeth, and left a shirt out for Cody if he wanted it.

Sure enough, a little while after Noel had got into bed, he felt the bed dip as Cody crawled in next to him, and he was able to fall asleep.

Noel woke up and somehow knew Cody was awake before he turned to look at him.

He was looking at Noel in the gentlest way, a way that made Noel’s stomach twist and he tried to shove every thought in his mind telling him he didn’t deserve to be looked at in that way by Cody.

He smiled a little at Cody, trying not to fuck it up, wanting this moment to last forever.

“Feel better?”

Noel nodded, would’ve nodded no matter what.

Cody smiled, then looked nervous, and like he was bracing himself for something, and Noel was about to say something, when he leaned forward and kissed him.

Noel’s brain short circuited, unable to think anything other than Cody’s kissing me Cody’s kissing me Cody’s kissing me

And then it ended, and Cody looked at him with concern, asked him if it was okay.

Noel nodded, breathless.

He realized with a start that he was rock hard, and flushed, and he could tell Cody was connecting the dots in his brain as he reached under the covers for Noel.

Noel hadn’t been jerked off by someone in a long, long time, and he gasped out, as Cody pressed kisses onto his neck, whispering stuff Noel couldn’t process with everything happening, until Cody whispered, “I love you.”

Immediately, he pulled away from Cody, pulled his sweatpants back up, scrambled out of the room, locked himself in the bathroom.

He buried his face in his arms. What the fuck was he doing. He was so fucked up, one bad moment away from killing himself for real, he couldn’t *do* this. He couldn’t put Cody through the pain of being with him, he had promised himself a long time ago he would never form a meaningful relationship with anyone so when he took his life he wouldn’t be hurting anyone more than he already had, and now Cody told him he loved him-

It was probably stupid to go through being friends with him for so long and not think he would start feeling the same way about Noel the way Noel felt about him, but after so many people leaving him he had just thought Cody would be the same.

And now everything was ruined, and he had fucked up, so much.

He realized Cody was banging on the bathroom door, asking him if he was okay, begging him to open the door, pleading that he was so sorry and he wouldn’t do anything else, that he just wanted to know Noel was okay.

He wiped the tears running down his face with his shirt and slowly opened the door.

Cody dropped his hands to his sides, looking terrified and upset.

“What happened, what did I do, I’m sorry,” He rattled out, a few tears trickling down his cheeks as he stared wide-eyed at Noel.

Noel shook his head. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Then why…”

Noel looked at Cody, not wanting to tell him, but at the same time wanting to spill *everything*, tell him everything, see what his reaction was.

He shook his head. “I’m really fucked up, Cody,” He said quietly, not caring how cringey that sounded coming out of his mouth. “You deserve someone better.”

“There isn’t anyone better,” Cody insisted. “I want you. I, I know you have things going on, and I get it, but that doesn’t make me not see what a fucking incredible person you are.

Noel laughed bitterly. “Things going on? Cody, I think about killing myself every fucking day.”

There it was, out in the open.

Cody opened his mouth, closed it, and just looked at him, worry and sadness written all over his face, and Noel wanted to throw up, take the words back, do anything to make Cody stop looking at him like that.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” They were quiet, gentle, nothing that Noel deserved.

Noel closed his eyes, forced the words out because he needed Cody to know. “I didn’t want you to be affected by it. If I did it. I don’t wanna hurt you, ever, but I’ve always wanted to hurt myself, so I just,” He was crying, “I don’t know, I hoped you didn’t love me back, because I can’t bear the thought of hurting you.”

He felt Cody hug him, pull him into a tight hug, and he stood there, shaking.

Cody let go of him. Hesitantly, he asked, “Have you ever talked to someone about all this?”

“Once. It wasn’t a good experience.”

“Maybe...you should. Look, I’ll be here for you. For anything you need. But I think a professional would know a lot more than me.”

Noel shook his head. “I can’t ask you to do that.”

“Too bad. You’re stuck with me.” Cody grinned at him, the same grin that had made Noel’s heart do a somersault right into falling in love with him, all those years ago. But this one was accented by the tears on Cody’s face, the way the smile wasn’t completely genuine. He continued, “I’m going to make breakfast. You want some toast?”

Noel took a breath, and let himself believe, for a moment, that things could be okay. That he could find a good therapist, that Cody would stay friends with him, that everything would work out. That maybe, one day, he would still be alive and he wouldn’t think about ending his life every day. And he answered, “Sure.”


End file.
